303 Days

Ernie Hsiung

So I want the entire internet to know that it's been 303 days since I last had a job. There are 365 days in a year. But uh... who's counting, right?

Ernie Hsiung

So, um, Mom is onto me now. And I mean onto me. See, ever since I told her about my car being stolen—oh yeah, happened, by the way. Like, my car was actually stolen... yeah.

Ernie Hsiung

That's... that's a whole other story I might tell someday. But yeah, ever since then, her demands have kind of... evolved?

Ernie Hsiung

First, it was... "Ernie, your car is a trash heap, buy a Tesla so we don't lose face!"

Ernie Hsiung

Oh! Before I continue, a major side note here that is gonna break the fourth wall but has to absolutely be brought up before we even continue:

Ernie Hsiung

When I imitate my mom, I'm just going to give it to you in English, as it is. Why? Because one, if I was ACTUALLY imitating my mom, the conversation would be in Chinese, and no one listening to this podcast would understand any of it except for, like, my mom and approximately seven of you. But the more real reason is that duh, it's not Ernie actually speaking, it's an AI Voice clone of Ernie you're listening to right now. And you know what, "Actual Ernie" is not going to spend a second putting on a bad Chinese accent to imitate his mom for AI to sample. No way, no how. That's how the terrorists win.

Ernie Hsiung

Anyway. Mom's asks started to evolve. Then it became "You know... if you don't like your job, you can just find another one..." And now, it's "You know, you can just live with your mother. I can take care of you and cook your meals."

Ernie Hsiung

So the other day, I'm trying to leave her house, right? And I say, "Mom, I'm 47; I should be the one taking care of you." Meanwhile, I'm... I'm literally standing there, my fat thumbs fumbling around trying to call a Lyft back to my place. Like... I shouldn't even be using ride share apps right now, you know? Because I don't have a job?

Ernie Hsiung

One crisis at a time, I keep telling myself.

Ernie Hsiung

So now that Mom knows my car got stolen, she's all,

Ernie Hsiung

I turn around and make a face at her. And honestly? I'm not even sure what face I'm making. Is it sympathy? Guilt? Disgust? Am I just... tired?

Ernie Hsiung

And then... And then, oh God, she hits me with this: "By the way," she calls from the doorway. "It's the black people. They stole your car, didn't they?"

Ernie Hsiung

Ah. Nope. Never mind. It's disgust. Definitely, DEFINITELY disgust.

Ernie Hsiung

...

Ernie Hsiung

So, here's something interesting. I learned from a contact at Code for America that there's this job opening coming up. And it's not just any job – it's a Federal position. An IT Expert Position in the Technology Transformation Services group. And my contact's like, "Hurry! They only accept the first 500 applications or until next week, whichever comes first."

Ernie Hsiung

Now, I've worked government jobs before, but... it was with Miami-Dade County's permitting department, where the whole process was basically "look at all this bureaucracy, then... completely bypass it because your neighbor's uncle Chacho knows a guy." You know what I mean? (It was a... transformative year.)

Ernie Hsiung

So I'm reading the role summary, right? And it says – and I'm quoting here –

Ernie Hsiung

That is simultaneously like every job I've ever had and... somehow, no job I've ever had? Either way, they require a Federal resume. So I google it and... oh. Oh, that's... that's different.

Ernie Hsiung

...AI to the rescue then, I guess...

Ernie Hsiung

While I will always have a soft spot for ChatGPT and Vale – you know, the delightful British disembodied voice who tells me random trivia about meatballs while I'm cooking – I turn to Claude AI and particularly Claude's Projects functionality.

Ernie Hsiung

Anyway. Claude's Project functionality: It's this thing where you can create a little workspace and save certain notes and resumes that you can always pull for reference. Without the project, Claude AI won't remember anything from conversation to conversation. Kind of like... well, kind of like me without my morning stimulants. Because adult ADHD.

Ernie Hsiung

I spent the next six hours crafting the perfect Federal resume. That's not an exaggeration, by the way. Six freaking hours. It's a masterpiece of bureaucratic proportions—every achievement meticulously documented, every academic output and acronym carefully spelled out, and every date precise down to the month.

Ernie Hsiung

I go to bed feeling accomplished, ready to submit it first thing in the morning.

Ernie Hsiung

The next morning: I wake up to an email that said, "This job announcement has closed. The posting has received the maximum number of applications." ... Yeah. That absolutely happened.

Ernie Hsiung

Somewhere in Miami, I swear I can hear Uncle Chacho laughing.

Ernie Hsiung

real life Ernie was going to edit AI Ernie saying "jajaja" but you know what? He's going to keep it. He's not only going to keep it but he will now laugh like that in real life. "Jajaja," hard J, hard J, hard J.

Ernie Hsiung

...

Ernie Hsiung

It's been 304 days since I last had a job.

Ernie Hsiung

There are 365 days in a year.

Ernie Hsiung

But... who's counting?